Beta Testing
by Grave Bells
Summary: Finally, the quickest, easiest AI for planet conquest has been completed. Bad part: it requires an Irken host to function, so it has yet to be tested. The Irken Empire is full of potential testers, but the Tallest won't spare anyone. ...Except Zim. R
1. Preface

_**Beta-Testing**_

_**Preface**_

A/N: Well HELLO! I believe it has been way too long since I've posted anything. As such, I'd like to introduce you to my newest story. Yes, this is a chapter fic. Enjoy; read and respond!

**Note: DO NOT skip the Preface. You will be confused later on if you do.**

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The Irken Inventors were an elite group of science-geeks, Irken or not, who controlled and oversaw the creation and production of all Irken technology. Often times, all of said technology started out as a mere idea or concept created by the Irken Inventors anyway. As such, they needed to make sure their hundreds of factory slaves and researchers were properly assembling their 'brain-babies'. If something went wrong, the Irken who caused the problem would be fired. This happened a lot at first, but soon factory slaves realized what happens after one is 'fired', and they have not had many wrong-doings or malfunctions ever since.

In the job description, it says 'the Irken Inventors advance Irken technology.' No where does it say they'd be sitting around ignoring requests of the Almighty Tallest, which is _exactly_ what the Inventors of the year 3670 were doing. That is, until Tallest Miyuki was informed of their slack.

The nine Head Inventors had their labs on Planet Vort invaded by the angry Tallest, and were each threatened to be banished to Foodcourtia, or thrown out the airlocks if they did not get their rears in gear. Eager to keep their lives and sanity, the nine immediately obeyed the Almighty Tallest and began on their order of new invasion weapons.

10 Irk years into the future, the abomination Zim was born from the breeding pods and given the life-force of his own, very much dysfunctional PAK. After successful causing the Irken Smeet Information Download System to malfunction by clogging the drop chute with fellow smeet, Zim's actions caused the Activation Chamber to overload, and completely wiped out power on the surface planet for five years. That was only the beginning. The destruction continued through his young Irken life, causing him to endanger a fellow Irken, Skoodge, and of course, black out the planet for four more years. Forced to take notice to Zim's ability to destroy everything he touched, Overlords sent Zim away to the Irken Inventors on Planet Vort. There, he was put into military research (Station 9), and seemed to excel.

While on Planet Vort, Zim learned much about weapon creation, and offense equipment. His PAK's memory cells practically fed off the knowledge of robotics and invention. Unfortunately, his lack of proper reasoning and touch of death still prevailed. Tallest Miyuki paid a visit to Station 9's Inventor and his team to check on the new technology being researched and planned. There, Zim's latest invention of an 'Infinite Energy Absorbing Thingy' proceeded to absorb the new 'Infinite Energy Producing Thingy'. It grew to massive sizes, ate Tallest Miyuki, and went about destroying most of Vort's labs and their Inventors.

He was immediately placed back on Irk as a hobo.

And yet, they learned even as a homeless sack of waste, Zim could still destroy anything.

Remembering the Irken Elite would become Invaders, and the mighty weapons they used to conquer, Zim made it his life's goal to Invade more planets than any Irken had before. He applied to many Irken Invasion facilities on Devastis, but all denied his requests for enrollment in their training because of his destructive past and present. Finally, to get him to stop begging, pleading, and being generally abnoxious, the new leader, Tallest Spork, ordered him enrolled into Devastis' best Invader program.

Much to their surprise, he excelled in his studies, and received one of the higher grades on his AIKT, or Annual Invader Knowledge Thingy. Unfortunately, his reputation of being a walking bomb followed him there and proceeded to black out half the planet when he was fed up with a vending machine. His habits also led him to the death of another Tallest, when he accidentally summoned the creature that devoured Tallest Miyuki to the assembly hall where invader trainees were being addressed by Tallest Spork. Somehow, he was left at the academy to finish his training, and was accepted as one of the Irken Elite because of his outstanding grades.

Problem is, he knew _how _one invaded, but not how to _apply_ that knowledge physically.

As such, when fellow Elite's were crowned the Almighty Tallest, Purple and Red vowed to never let Zim be apart of ANYTHING, despite his testing scores. When Operation: Impending Doom was set into motion, the two Almighty Tallest thought giving Zim a small circle of floor to control would keep him from destroying anything. They thought wrong.

After Zim successfully annihilated half the Planet Irk, he was finally banished to Foodcourtia for eternity.

And no one saw him again…… Until the launch of Operation: Impending Doom II.

The Tallest were unsuccessful at keeping the short Irken out of plans, and sent him off to a planet on the outer-reaches of the known galaxy. There, they ignored him. He was out of their antenna; 6 earth months away from any kind of Irken ship. But that didn't stop him from calling them.

Keeping to their vow, Tallest Purple and Tallest Red kept Zim uninformed of new weapons, ships, plans. They occasionally sent a broken piece of equipment with claims of advanced technology, but nothing more.

……Until now.

-

* * *

"My Tallest! Incoming Transmission from Inventor Mirek!"

Red grumbled, glancing over at Purple. He pulled the doughnut from his sharp teeth and leaned forward out of his relaxing position.

"Yeah yeah, open a connection," he grumbled, waving his 'hand' dismissingly. "Man, if they're reporting another Cthulu attack I swear…"

"We haven't found a way to get rid of that yet?" Purple asked, swallowing a mouthful of cheetos. "It's not like it'd be hard; Zim made it."

"My Tallest! Please, Station 6 requires your immediate attention!" a voice pleaded from the com screen. It was Inventor Mirek, an Irken who commanded Weapon Enhancement and Development. Red squinted an eye at him and relaxed back against his couch once more.

"Why?" Purple asked quickly, clearly bothered by the interruption of his snacking time. "We told you the Chtulu was your problem."

"Sirs, the Chtulu is not our problem. It's the QEPI. We have a small problem."

"QEPI? Qepi. Qeeppii…." Red mused, scratching his green chin as he racked his PAK's memory for what the QEPI was. "…Qepi. Qepi? What's the Qepi again?"

"The invasion AI..?"

Red and Purple exchanged looks of confusion. Mirek sighed.

"My Tallest, you ordered for a new intelligence that could successfully conquer a planet in mere minutes-" The Inventor wasn't able to finish as the Tallest suddenly remembered the idea they had nearly 2 Irk years before.

"OOHH! The **Q**uick and **E**asy **P**lanet **I**nvader! Yes yes, what about it?" Purple quipped excitedly, folding his two finger-appendages together in a pleased manner.

"My Tallest… Uhm, it has a slight set-back. We can't test it," Mirek explained sheepishly, playing with one of his antenna. Red squinted at the com screen, clearly annoyed.

"What do you mean you can't test it?" he hissed threateningly, standing from the soft red couch. Mirek looked very intimidated.

"W-Well, uhm, you see.. M-My Tallest, uhm.. In order for us to, uhm…"

"Out with it, Inventor! We have very important Tallest matters to attend to!" Purple ordered, merrily scooping up a box of doughnuts. "Like eating these doughnuts! Mmm!"

"Yes! Well, see, in order for us to create something so powerful it'd need it's own life supply. Problem is, we've tried activating it on artificial generators and it used so much energy it sent Vort into rolling blackouts for the next 3 days."

"So what do you think can support the little bugger?" Red asked, opening one of his squinted eyes. "A larger generator? A ship?"

"No. A PAK."

The silence that filled the room made Mirek uneasy.

Suddenly, Purple and Red burst into untamable, hysterical laugher. This was not a good sign to the 6th Irken Inventor. The Almighty Tallest didn't laugh at weapons.

"My Tallest.. Please.." he began, but found it utterly useless to speak over his leader's laughter. "My.. My Tall-"

"You want to use… a PAK to run this thing?!" Red roared, clutching his belly as he tried to gasp in air through his laughter. "Keep dreaming, Inventor! Haha!"

"I'm very sorry, My Tallest… But… There is no other way!"

"Why not?!" Purple asked stubbornly, finally calming down at the news that Mirek had been serious.

"No other technology is as powerful as the PAK! It can support life for so long when left uncorrupted that the oldest Irken is 115 in IRK years! And he's still strong! Who knows how-"

"We can't give you a PAK, Inventor Mirek," Red stated seriously, wiping tears from his eyes. "If we do, some poor defenseless Smeet would be left to die. We need all the young Irken's we can get. Call back when you have a solution."

"But, My Tallest-"

"GoodBYE, Inventor Mirek!"

With that, the connection was cut.

"Man, what a jerk," Purple grumbled, leaning into the soft cushions with an annoyed look on his face.

"Tell me about it," Red agreed, picking up a bag of Licking Sticks. The leader got maybe one lick out of the snack before the com screen burst to life once more. He growled gently and narrowed his eyes.

"Mirek-"

"My Tallest, excuse me, but we had already thought of another solution," Mirek butted in quickly, trying to keep his rulers from hanging up on him again.

"Explain," Purple ordered calmly, an unimpressed look on his face.

"Well, if we can't have a PAK by itself.. Why not an Irken?"

The Tallest snorted.

"Nonsense; it's untested. Why risk the life of a loyal Irken?" Red retorted, dipping the Licking Stick into it's pouch of powdery yum-yum.

"I'm uh, sure one Irken won't ruin-"

"SILENCE! I'm not going to give you an Irken test subject either, Inventor. That's just cruel and unusual-"

The Irken leader was cut off by the whirring and fizzing of another opening connection. The screen split, and the image of a rather battered Irken in pink appeared next to the com link of Mirek on Vort. Purple and Red almost instantly groaned heavily and sank in their seats. "Hold on, Mirek. What NOW, Zim?"

"My Tallest! My Tallest! My Tallest!" Zim spouted, looking utterly paranoid as he ran around the screen, hiding behind things and shedding a purple ooze. "My-My Tallest! MMYYYY TAALLLEESSSTTT!"

"Get ON with it Zim!" Red complained, putting his fingers against his forehead.

"It's the human stink-beasts…" Zim explained in a more silenced tone, now hiding behind his operations chair, both eyes darting about. "They're gaining an advantage!! They.. Have.. PURPLE ICE JUICE!" The small Irken then thrust forward a clear bottle of Sno-Cone grape flavoring, the thick syrup inside sloshing around angrily.

The Tallest merely stared in utter annoyance at the display.

"This is the worst time of the Earth year," Zim continued, throwing the bottle behind him as he clambered up into the chair. Not a moment later his robot GIR waltzed by with his head inside the bottle of syrup, giggling like a madman. "Their huge sun makes the air hot and sticky, and smells of filthy human skin secretions and poo flies. They use this.. Ice Juice.. to cool their filthy HUMAN organs and-"

"We don't care. Get to the point, Zim," Purple ordered hotly, already tired of hearing the little monster's voice. Said Irken immediately calmed.

"I need some new technology to further my invasion."

"Hhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm no."

Zim frowned, squinting one eye in concentration. "What?"

"No, Zim."

"….What was that?"

"NO."

"Could you repeat tha- GIR WOULD YOU TURN OFF THAT FILTHY EARTH MUSIC!?"

The sound of insane giggling and laughing reached the earholes of the Tallest, followed by the heavy pounding of a loud techno track. The two leaders cringed heavily at the noise, covering their 'ears' as they half-watched GIR flail by the screen with a large music playing device on his head and Zim in hot pursuit. The Tallest sighed and turned towards the screen with Mirek on it. They tried to ignore the terrible music and destruction on the other screen.

"I'm sorry Inventor, but it seems we're going to have to deal with Zim…. Again…" Red stated, sighing heavily at the idea.

"Zim..? As in, THE Zim?" Mirek questioned, a thoughtful look crossing his green face.

"Unfortunately."

Mirek was silent for a moment, then he grinned broadly. "I have a solution! We should send the QEPI to ZIM for testing!"

"What? Are you insane? That's the-" Purple cut short, processing what the inventor had said. He soon grinned merrily. "- Best idea I've heard all morning! WOOHOO!"

"Mirek, get your transport ship ready for Zim. He'll have to come to Vort for installation. I DON'T want him to mess this weapon up by installing it wrong," Red ordered. "Knowing Zim, he'd put it in the wrong segment of his PAK. Also, duplicate the program with the Handheld Copy Thingy, just incase he DOES mess it up somehow."

"Yes My Tallest! Right away!"

Mirek's connection closed, and the image of the now destroyed communications room in Zim's base stretched to full screen. Zim himself finally wobbled back in front of the com, looking more battered and beaten than before. He threw the music device off the screen, where it landed with a loud crash, and turned towards the feed.

"Sorry about that.. My Tallest.." he panted, wiping his forehead. "Now, about my weapon request-"

"Ah, yes," Red interjected, standing from his seat. "We're going to accept your request…. For once."

Zim's face lit up. "Really!? REALLY?! Ohmygod THANK YOU MY TALLEST! Event the mighty ZIM is not woorrthhy!"

"…..I know. Now, a transport ship will arrive blah blah blah. You're going to Section 6 of Vort-"

"I USED TO WORK ON VORT!"

"….Yes, yes we know. Inventor Mirek is going to fit you with the latest and greatest in Irken technology. But remember, it's a SECRET, so you can't tell a soul what it is."

"What is it?"

"I can't tell you. It's a secret."

Zim blinked, then grinned. "Yes sir!"

"Once you're fitted with it, you gotta start reporting back more often-OW!" Purple yelped as his sentence was cut short by a swift elbow in the Squeedly Spooch. He was whirled around by Red and pulled into a two man huddle.

"What do you mean 'report back more often?!'" Red hissed, flicking his companion on the forehead. "We can't stand him NOW!"

"But how will we know if the QEPI destroys the little filth bomb?"

A pause. The Tallest glanced back at Zim for a moment. He was pulling at his left antenna, his pointed tongue curled over his upper lip. GIR ran by behind him, squealing merrily as it flew a pig on a waffle around the room.

"Ok, we'll tell Inventor Mirek to keep tabs on him," Red compromised quickly, turning back towards his fellow ruler. "But if I hear Zim more than I have to, bad things are going to happen."

"Ooo! Bad things!" Purple chimed, smiling broadly. The two broke and stood before their com screen.

"Zim?"

"Yes, Almighty Tallest?" Zim squeaked happily, releasing his antenna to focus on his screen.

"I don't want you calling us again unless something utterly terrible happens, alright?"

"Yes sir!"

"Goooooood," Purple droned, tapping his fingers together. "Now leave us to our tasty treats!" He giggled merrily and scooped up an armful of Irken snacks, cuddling them like tiny smeet. Zim saluted loyally, then cut the transmission.

Red picked up his Licking Stick and placed it in his mouth, relaxing back down into the comfort of the Almighty Red Couch. He rolled his head towards Purple with a blissful sigh. Purple greeted the noise with a content sign of his own, followed by the noisy crumpling of snack packaging.

"Imagine….. If that weapon malfunctions.. Zim will be gone forever," Red dreamed, closing his eyes to picture the little worm being destroyed by a huge robot feeding off his PAK.

"I know.. Wouldn't that be sweet? Imagine.. A life without Zim…."

Tallest Purple and Tallest Red were now skipping daintily through a beautiful, bright field of flowers, hand in hand. There were smeet dancing around them in giggling circles of happiness. The entire Irken race was lolling through the grass and flowers, overcome with happiness and excitement. Delightful Irken music drifted through the air, bringing a calm, serene aura.

Suddenly, a backdrop of a pretty little field fell over behind the populace of Irkens. Around them was complete terror and destruction. Aliens of all kinds scattered in fear at large Irken Invasion weapons, fires burning buildings and beings alike. Ah, how the Tallest loved a successful invasion.

And Zim was the only thing keeping them from accomplishing one.


	2. Chapter 1

**Beta-Testing**

**Chapter 1**

A/N: I am SO SORRY for the wait!! I didn't mean for this to take so long, but my teachers decided it'd be totally awesome to assign me essays. One was a short story, so I'm a little wiped in the creativity sense. But I'm on a break now, so I was finally able to finish this part. It's short and mostly filler, but like I said, I'm a bit worn.

To all my reviewers, THANK YOU SO MUCH! You guys will be what keeps this story along.

Enjoy!

--

The blissful look on Zim's face the entirety of Monday was enough to make Dib suspicious.

He'd made the decision to closely monitor the Irken after he walked right out an open window on the way to his desk. Which, might he add, was on the opposite side of the room as his desk in the first place. Zim paid less attention to Ms. Bitters than usual, and had taken to doodling something rather large on a piece of paper. If he wasn't doodling, he was folding paper airplanes and drawing large missiles on the wings. He was antsy and anxious; that wasn't a good sign for the humans. Dib cornered him at lunch and immediately accused him of something completely absurd (probably about how he had yet to eat cafeteria food after 3 years of adapting), but the Irken seemed to be completely oblivious to the human at all. In fact, he was using the dull end of his fork to carve a massive robot with 'destructo-canons' attached to its shoulders.

Zim was not at skool Tuesday or Wednesday.

Oh no; definitely not good for the humans.

--

"Is this going to hurt?"

"No, but it-"

"Is it going to PINCH MY NERVES and send me into fits of paaaiiinn?"

"No, but sometimes it-"

"IF IT DOES, you will not last five minutes against the wrath of- OH SNARVEX!" This was then followed up by a minute of high-pitched screaming and writhing. "OH THE PAAIIN WHY THE PAAAIIIN?!"

"ZIM, I haven't even DONE anything yet!"

Zim stopped thrashing on the Installment Table, blinking rapidly. He was immediately calm, relaxing into a slouch, still processing Mirek's words.

"Oh… Right. Nevermind."

It was then that Mirek remembered why no one ever went near Station 9 while Zim had worked there. He heaved a great sigh, massaging the base of his antennae. _By Snarvex, if he didn't get this thing installed…_

"I have a job for you, Zim," he said, leaning closer to said Irken's PAK to examine the main compartment. He gently slid his ungloved claws under the attachments. "I need you to look at that poster I have on the wall across from you-" he grunted as he wriggled a few snaps open. "-and shut up. If you don't-" He detached one more snap. "-I'm going to kick you out and you'll never get the QEPI. Understand?"

Zim frowned and kicked his legs idly. "Fine fine… But it's not like you could kick out the great ZIM anyway…."

"Stop moving," Mirek complained, opening the hatch into the main compartment of his fellow Irken's PAK. "If you move it's going to be installed wrong."

"HA! Anything worthy of being operated by ZIM will merely just BEND to his WILL!"

"Zim, I said stop-"

"And that will is to DESTROY the FILTHY humans! I can't wait to see the look on the Dib's face when he sees my newest weapon!!"

"Great Zim. Whatever. Stop-"

"—AND THEN I'll use it to freeze the little stinkworm and give HIM to the scientists to be cut open!!" Zim shrieked with laughter; anyone could have seen his plan was genius. Unfortunately, with evil-plan explanations and evil-laughter came a lot of moving.

Mirek found himself squealing in a very not Irken-like manner as he dove for the floor.

--

Tallest Red sprayed the mouthful of whatever sugary drink he was consuming upon an equally flabbergasted Tallest Purple.

"He WHAT?!" Red screeched, slamming the can down on the table before him. He didn't wait for a shaken Mirek to respond before answering his own question with another. "How did he DESTROY it?!"

"Well, he kept moving when I tried to install the chip. It got caught on some of the plugs in his PAK and it snapped," Mirek explained, wiping at the blackened, soot-covered half of his face.

"And it EXPLODED?!" Purple asked in disbelief, boiling with rage.

"Unfortunately."

There was a moment of silence as Red thought. He reclined back against the couch, merely staring at the image of Mirek on the large com screen.

"…I assume that means you need the copy you sent to us?"

Mirek only nodded.

"Geesh, Red, why don't we just KILL Zim already? He's such a pest! Really!" Purple grumbled quietly a moment later, standing beside his Tallest companion as the latter dug around for the other QEPI chip.

"That's a brilliant idea, Purple. Here, why don't we send him this," Red started, standing straight with the chip in his claws. "And hope to Snarvex that the little creep gets killed by it."

"But that could take so looonnnggg!" Purple whined, tugging on his antennae. "Can't we just evacuate the lab and blow it up or something? Please?!"

"And destroy our research? Are you STUPID?" Red shoved his fellow ruler aside and took the weapon over to one of the hench-drones. "Send this is Inventor Mirek.."

"But! But! He's SO ANNOYING!" Purple tried to argue, hurrying after Red.

"Shut up, Purple. We're not going to kill him yet. As much as I want our weapon to be successful, all we can do is hope it malfunctions and sends his remains into deep space."

Purple grumbled, plopping down on the comfy red sofa. A moment later Mirek appeared on the screen, smiling nervously. Red immediately frowned.

"What? Did he break it AGAIN?"

"No my Tallest, no," Mirek babbled, fumbling with something in his claws. " See? It's right here. But he uh.. He broke the analysis system." The medium-sized Irken stepped aside to reveal a bashed in, smoking machine that sent sparks showering to the cement-equivalent floor every few seconds. Standing next to it was Zim, who was merely staring at it triumphantly. Purple sent his companion a look that said, 'Kill him, NOW', but Red ignored it.

"How?!" he asked, putting a hand to his green head. "Don't you use that AFTER it's installed?"

Mirek nodded again. "Yes, but Mr. Intelligence over here," he sent a dark, annoyed look back at Zim, who was now examining the device to make sure it was dead, "Thought it was going to EAT him. So now I have no analysis system."

Red only sighed.

--

"Zim, this is the LAST copy of the weapon. You break it, you don't get anything, and you let down the Almighty Tallest. Understand?"

"Understood."

"Good. Don't move. AND DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT."

Zim quickly dropped his hand back to his side, abandoning his attempt to grab onto the sparkly, new analysis system from Department 5.

The installation process of the QEPI into Zim's PAK was long and boring. Once Mirek had plugged it into the correct slot, it then had to install itself. Zim didn't know that if the PAK wasn't powerful enough to sustain it, his life was in terrible danger, so he was completely calm for the most part. The Inventor was pacing a great deal away from Zim, in case the program indeed malfunctioned. Finally, after a long 3 hours, the installation had completed successfully. Mirek examined Zim's PAK to make through everything had installed properly, then the short Irken was hastily shooed off the planet.

Zim spent the trip back to Earth doodling himself as an evil monster, and deciding how to show off his weapon to Dib and include a lot of pain while doing so. At first he was going to pull a sneak-attack on the little filth ball during lunch and wipe-out the entire school while he was at it, but then he remembered there would be other people around to witness it. Not wanting to be arrested and discovered, he decided he'd pull Dib into a dark alley at recess and disintegrate his unnaturally sized head. He had to toss aside that idea as well, since the alley would echo Dib's screams of pain. He wanted the alien to die a horrible bloody death, but he wanted his eyes to be the only ones to feast upon it's glory. That, and he wanted him to feel helpless and alone in his last hours; or minutes, rather.

The condition of his base back on Earth sent many questions through the short alien's PAK when he entered through the front door. They all had the same, obvious answer, 'Gir', so he merely tried to ignore the bacon that was oozing out of the cracks in the walls and dripping onto the floor as he marched his way to the toilet in the kitchen.

"Gir! Clean up this mess!" he ordered loudly before flushing the toilet, groaning as he saw the robot 'obey' by spraying grease from a silly-string can like it was disinfectant. He didn't try to stop it, and merely grumbled on his way down to the engineering bay.

"Geesh. Can't even leave that thing home for a few measly days… I bet he had a party…"

Zim stepped into his engineering bay proudly, his arms behind his back as he marched towards the interface on the far-side of the room.

"Welcome back," the computer chimed at him obediently. "Have a good trip?"

"I sure did," Zim responded absent-mindedly, almost routinely. He hit a button on the symbol-splattered, alien keyboard, and a hole opened in the middle of the floor. He turned to watch a clear dome rise into the room, settling into place with a hiss and a puff of steam.

"Watch, Computer, and analyze how the weapon works. It was explained to me... But uh… I don't remember. SO PAY ATTENTION."

If the computer had eyes, it would have rolled them.

"Yes siirr…" it droned, already dreading the fact his 'master' was home. "The dome is ready when you are."

The reinforced space-glass, used when creating voot-cruisers and the like, lifted on it's hinges to allow passage to it's inside. Once Zim was all the way inside, it shut, and sealed itself with a sticky squelch.


	3. Chapter 2

_**Beta-Testing**_

_**Chapter 2**_

A/N: I am so freaking sorry that this never got up sooner. I'm so so so SO sorry it took so long. I hope it was worth the wait. X.x

Also, since the question of age arises in this chapter, I have some explaining to do. Jhonen Vasquez has pointed out that Zim is 159 earth years old when Dib is 11, which makes him 16 in Irk years. After doing some math, I've found that Irk spins 10 times SLOWER than earth. As such, for every 10 rotations of earth, there is one rotation of Irk. In this story, Dib is 15, and a freshman in high school. If you do the math, Zim should be 20 in Irk years, which SHOULD make him the age mentioned at the end of this chapter.

If not, sorry about how fail my math is. It was never my best subject. I tried.

Enjoy!

--

_Irken Observation_

_Log 25_

_Day 80_

_M is back on earth. From what my cameras picked up, he arrived early this morning, around 2:25 am, in a transport similar to the ship I salvaged 4 years ago after the arrival and departure of K. It's definitely Irken._

Dib looked up from his composition book, glancing suspiciously over at his nemesis. His gaze was fierce and intense, to the point where he might've been able to set Zim afire with his very stare. He squinted, then dipped back down to scribble more into his entry.

_He is making me more suspicious than usual. All day he's had this… GLEAM in his eye to go with that insane grin of his. His teeth are all nasty and yellow, too. I wonder if that's genetic to Irkens, or if they just don't brush their teeth. Note to self: Find that out._

The human looked up once more at the alien sitting a few lunch tables away, his eyes narrow and observant. Zim was poking his food with his fork, the same idle way he always had since his enrollment. He paused a moment to scratch the itchy skin beneath his wig, then returned to playing with the slop. Dib's frown would have probably ripped his face open if he could deepen it any more.

_Look at him… Sitting there, all smug and sure of himself. What is the little freak planning? If only I could get into his mind. If only I knew where he went, and why… He seems way too young to be a planet conqueror, he still looks like he's 12. Hm. I wonder how old he is…._

Dib paused his writing, looking back at Zim with a quirked brow. He glanced over at his sister, who was ignoring the ruckus of the high school cafeteria by playing her Gameslave 4. Figuring if he suddenly became annoying to her she'd let him know, he tore a page from his log book, scribbled something on it, and chucked it at Zim. It whacked the green alien on the side of the head before splashing into the pool of barf-colored sludge before him. Zim growled, plucking the paper from the mess and squinting about the room to see who he had to kill.

Dib grinned and waved, earning another grumble from Zim. He couldn't kill him yet. Damn.

Zim carefully uncrumpled the paper, careful of the nasty food on it's surface. He squinted at the chicken scratch, turning it every which way to try and read it properly.

_How old are you?_

He set the paper down on the table and just stared at Dib. His large, contact lens covered eyes were squinted suspiciously and a frown curled his thin lips. Dib responded with an innocent shrug and slightly raised brows. Zim merely shook his head and pulled out a pen. Once he message was written, he grabbed some napkins to clean the paper, and then crumpled it up tight before throwing it back. Dib picked the paper up from where it rolled into his shoe and opened it fully. Zim's handwriting was unnaturally neat.

_Why should I tell a filthy human like you?_

Dib frowned and stared back at Zim with an unamused look. Zim merely smirked and imitated the human's earlier shrug. He should have figured the alien wouldn't just tell him outright.

The rest of lunch was spent throwing the nasty paper back and forth.

_What's the big deal? You're obviously obscenely older than me._

_If I tell you, I'll have to kill you. Not that I wasn't going to anyway, but Zim has reason to keep you alive temporarily.._

_I'd love to see you try THAT._

_Dib, Dib… When will you learn the superiority of Irken technology?_

_When everything you do stops blowing up in your face, and all together failing. Miserably._

_Not everything does, stink-beast!_

_Prove it!_

_Fine! Zim will meet you behind the skool at 5._

_FINE. I'll be there._

_GOOD._

When the bell rang for 5th period to begin, Dib turned his attention back to his observation log.

Oh, it was going to be a good day for the people who read his blog.

--

Dib checked his watch.

_5:30 pm._

Something inside him flared. He'd sat in a deserted, disgusting, smelly alleyway for 30 minutes already, waiting for an imbecile who wasn't even close to being worth _5 _minutes of his time.

That little jerk stood him up.

Great, and he'd already told everyone on the Swollen Eyeball Network he'd be dueling it out with 'M' after school today. He was hoping the battle would win him recognition and praise. None of the Agents really liked him much, but there was at least a handful of them who followed his Irken Log on a daily basis. Most of them were morons, but hey, they were someone.

5 more minutes.

He'd give Zim 5 more minutes.

5 minutes passed and the Irken never showed. Dib went to school the next day with a cold, but a flame of hate raged in his body. He'd never been so humiliated in his life. Well, ok, that was a lie. He'd felt humiliated almost every day of his life until Zim showed up because of his stupid classmates. But really, ZIM stood him up? He thought Irkens were all about pride and power; that they squashed everyone smaller and weaker than them at the drop of a dime.

That is, not that Dib was smaller and weaker than Zim…

He actually grew. He was a head taller than Zim now. The Irken always seemed strong, though.. It was hard to tell how weak he was compared to Dib, but…

He spent the majority of class time staring daggers at the little Irken, who in turn ignored him. When he finally approached Zim at lunch, he acted like it was no big deal.

"Oh, you took that seriously?" Zim laughed, grabbing his fork to pile it high with some day-old refried beans. "I figured you'd chicken out anyway, since I'm way more powerful than you'll ever be. I figured, 'Why waste my time on a silly, stinky, smelly earth baby?'"

"I sat there for THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES, and you're telling me you NEVER planned to even show up in the first place?! Do you know how FOUL that alley is?!" Dib snarled, his already boiling temper threatening to overflow. He suddenly cringed, and the feel of the cafeteria's nasty beans against his face was not even the slightest bit enjoyable. A deep growl emitted from his throat, but the Irken across the table just grinned and put his now empty fork back in his beans.

"I've found I really don't care, Dib-monkey. In fact, why don't you just go sit there now? You'd fit in with all the filthy earth creatures that love the garbage containment pod." Zim piled his fork high with the sloppy, brown paste once more.

"You mean the dumpster?" Dib growled, wiping his face and flicking the food on the floor. He squeaked as another load of beans hit his face, and almost immediately reached over and seized the alien by the front of his pink shirt. "What the HELL!"

Zim practically screamed as his face was shoved into the glop on his lunchtray. He struggled against Dib's firm hold on the back of his head, the foul substance already burning into his skin. After managing to get his face up, he gasped heavily for air and tried his best to speak.

"DIB-BEAST! I COMMAND YOU TO-" He was cut off by the human slamming his face back into the mess.

"I'm sorry, did you say something Zim? I can't hear you through the beans," Dib taunted, smirking. He took a moment to let Zim sit back up.

"I'LL KILL YOU-!"

"Zim, you can't even keep me from shoving your face into your lunch," he snickered, twisting the alien's face around his tray. "You think you can kill me?"

The Irken quickly grabbed a hold of his enemy's wrists and yanked them from his now skew wig, then proceeded to yank the surprised teen forward onto the table. He hastily shoved Dib's face into the splattered mess that used to be refried beans, the claws on his hands digging harshly into his scalp.

"Humans are severely inferior to the Irken race. I could kill you in an instant, whenever, wherever," Zim barked, wiping his face with one hand. Dib flailed a bit before shoving the 3-fingered hands from his head. He sat up swiftly, panting as he stumbled back away from the lunch table.

"Then why haven't you done it yet, Mr. High and Mighty?!" he snapped, at this point not even caring about the smelly beans on his face.

Zim had to pause.

… That was a good question.

"…Well… I… Uh.."

Dib grinned. "It's because you CAN'T, isn't it? You know I'll win every time. You're just trying to save yourself the embarrassment, aren't you?"

Zim's face turned an odd shade of green-blue. "Irkens are NEVER embarrassed! We are the superior race of the galaxy! AND BEYOND! I just need to keep you ALIVE until the Almighty Tallest get here! Then you'll be the FIRST to get dissected! ALIVE! And then.. And then you'll DIE! After you were ALIVE!"

"Really, Zim," Dib sighed, crossing his arms. "I didn't know that people die after being alive."

"Sh-Shut you're stupid, filthy human mouth! Zim challenges you to a duel!"

Suddenly, Dib's interest was piqued. He smirked. "I accept. Tonight at 8, behind the skool. Bring your most powerful weapon." He paused. "Oh, and if I don't show up right away, just keep waiting."

Zim frowned heavily, but he was so severely pissed at the boy before him to notice he was being deceived. "You're going to die tonight, Dib-stink."

--

The little Irken made his way through the deserted street, gnashing his rotten teeth so loud you could probably hear it a mile away. His gloved hands were shoved into his pants pocket, and he slouched terribly as he trotted along the cement. Why that little--! How DARE that filthy beast stand up a meeting to determine life and death? Especially with the great ZIM! He'd gotten all excited for nothing! Zim growled darkly through his clenched teeth, pausing a moment in the street.

That little creep…

He huffed, then slammed his fist into the nearby garage can. He should've killed the Dib long ago! Then this stupid, moronic planet would already be part of the mighty Irken Empire!

His thinking was interrupted by a sudden, nearby moaning. Zim practically jumped out of his skin, but he couldn't keep his curiosity from making him investigate the odd sound. He'd never heard it before. Maybe it was some ugly, odd, filthy earth creature? It sounded like it was dying. What freak made dying noises on a daily basis?

He pulled out the heavy cans from their places in front of the little alley, peering into the darkness for any signs of life. What he saw, however, was not a cat, or a raccoon, or a squirrel, or any kind of animal for that matter. In fact, it was a human.

Zim gasped, horrified. He backed away from the groaning figure, covering his mouth. All he could do was stand there and stare.

Finally, convincing himself he was no coward, he put on a determined face and marched over to the crumpled figure. It took him a moment, but he finally ignored the odd twisting in his organs and crouched down next to the body to examine it.

He squinted his eyes a bit, a frown slipping onto his face. It was obviously female; human women had odd, squishy humps coming off their chests. He scratched his chin. But why was her shirt torn open to expose them? He'd always thought they were 'private'. He stuck his finger in the dark puddle at his feet, then lifted it to his face. He stared at it a moment, then shifted his antenna to 'smell' it. He choked. Sour, metallic; not pleasant. He knew what it was instantly. Blood. His lips stretched into a harder frown. This human was bleeding so much she produced a puddle? He glanced down her body, and found blood spattered everywhere along her body, but mostly around her legs and head. He quirked an eye open farther. Her pants were missing.

Zim jumped slightly when the woman moaned again. He quickly looked to her face, where he found her staring at him. He blinked. His insides were twisting again… Why was he feeling like that? It's just a stupid, filthy human. He gasped when her face morphed into the worst look he'd ever seen.

"Help…….. me…" she gasped, tears suddenly leaking out of her dull, dead eyes. Zim had been around humans long enough to know this woman's fate had been sealed. He couldn't help her even if he'd wanted to.

But… she was just a stupid, filthy, disgusting human-beast, right? Something inside him made him smile, sorrowfully, at her face.

"I am sorry," he whispered. "I cannot help you."

Her face was frightening him. He needed to get out of there before he sank any lower into emotions he found rather human. He was feeling sorry for her, for her fate. He was angry that he couldn't help her. He was frustrated and sad that someone would do that to her. She was making him soft. He vainly found himself refusing to be swayed by her.

Zim was Irken. Death and destruction was programmed into his Pak. He'd seen planets, entire species, fall at the hands of his people.

Why was this single woman so different?

He forced himself to leave the poor, dying woman in the alley. But not before he called the police.

For the entire trip home, he thought about the human race. They were peaceful; they didn't fly to other planets and attack their beings like Irkens did. They weren't controlled by one being, each section of the planet was ruled by someone different.

But they were the only race he'd ever encountered that slaughtered each other like animals. How could someone do that to their own race?

He didn't know.

--

Dib was quite proud of himself. He spent the entire night thinking about how miserable Zim must've been, sitting around behind the skool, in the middle of the night. Oh, revenge was sweet! He grinned merrily as he trotted down the sidewalk with a spring in his step, Gaz at his side. He could just imagine the look on the Irken's face! All that misery! It was June, so it was unfortunately not cold enough to freeze the little freak, but he didn't care. Zim probably stayed out all night waiting for him!

He didn't notice he was skipping until Gaz shoved the side of her fist into his stomach, instantly succeeding in stopping his brother in his tracks.

"Stop that. It's really annoying," she growled, never once looking up from her Gameslave 3. Dib laughed in a pained manner, doubling over to grab his stomach. He really did hate how harsh his sister was sometimes. He wobbled forward after her, knowing that if he lingered it'd only make her more annoyed. He didn't get very far before her walked right into her. He looked up to question her hault, but it was almost immediately answered by a familiar growl.

"Gaz-devil, I need to have a word with your filthy human sibling."

Gaz snorted. "You don't need to ask for my permission, idiot. Now get out of my way, I'm going to be late."

"You could just go around me-" Zim squeaked in terror as the girl grabbed his shirt and growled darkly in his face. "Right! Moving!"

Zim huffed, frowning darkly as Gaz continued down the sidewalk. Dib smirked a bit, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose.

"Look at you. Whipped by a girl," he teased, standing up straight. He earned a rather dark glare.

"I don't see you standing up to that filthy devil, Dib-stink."

"So," Dib crossed his arms, shifting his weight on his feet. He stared at Zim with a smug look. "I'm assuming this is about last night-hey!"

Zim never responded; he merely grabbed onto Dib's arm and began to yank him towards the space between two nearby houses. Despite all his troubles, the human wasn't able to free himself from the harsh grip of the furious Irken. Maybe he'd underestimated Zim's strength….? He answered his own question was he was practically thrown into some broken furniture that'd looked like it's been sitting between the houses for over a decade. Dust and moths flew everywhere as he landed and rolled off onto the dying grass. He coughed, suddenly in pain, and looked up at Zim's slender, looming body. Dib's eyes widened.

He had never seen Zim so furious in his entire life. It sent frightened shivers all up and down his spine.

"Yes, this IS about last night, Dib-stink," the alien growled, raising an arm to hit a small button on his wrist.

Dib found himself scrambling back against the fence in fear. Once the button was pressed, Zim's shadow had left up from its place on the grass and completely engulfed his small-ish form. The Irken's body was shrouded in a swirling darkness, which soon stretched him into an impossibly large figure, 9 ft. tall by Dib's reckoning. When Zim's limbs and appendages took shape, so did the strap carrying all kinds of insane, alien weapons and devices. By the look of them, they were all meant to destroy anything instantly, and if not that, torture indefinitely. Zim's body never separated from his shadow, and left everything but his angry pink-red eyes and ammunition shrouded in darkness.

Zim was completely serious about killing him. He had to get out of there, and fast.

"Stay down, you stupid filthy beast," Zim barked, using his foot to shove a trying to escape Dib back against the wooden fence. Dib huffed at the impact, any air in his lungs being instantly forced out. At the metallic sound of a cocking gun, he looked up at the looming dark body with wide eyes, and found himself face to face with one of Zim's rather large guns.

"By the way," Zim said casually, ignoring the high-pitched ringing of the gun charging. "I'm 200 years old."


End file.
